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WHERE AM I?
I have come a long way from that girl taking Hatha yoga classes at the town community center close to two decades ago. Very soon after my discovery of Hatha, the Vinyasa boom hit our market. My Hatha teacher invited me to her ‘practical’ exam for her teacher training at a place called Open Doors Power Yoga. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but went anyways as I found so much value in the yoga education and experience I was getting.
Open Doors was THE PLACE. Hot. Steamy. Mats nose to toes. An antique building where a dance studio previously resided. The vibe was eclectic and this thing called Vinyasa felt amazing in my body. I took to it like a fish to water.
Open Doors has multiple studios, driving distance from my house, so I kept showing up to sweat out all the things that needed to be sweat out. I got strong, even though I was still a hot mess at the core of my being. I felt so much value in the transformation that was happening that I saved my pretty little pennies and joined the Open Doors 200HR Yoga Teacher Training to simply ‘deepen my practice’.
At that time I had no frikkin’ idea that yoga was an ancient practice. I did not know that there were books upon volumes of books on the subject. Some ancient texts, some modern. I was blown away by the rich history and philosophy behind what I was doing. I have been a yoga nerd ever since.
WHERE AM I?
I am still teaching. I am still practicing. I am still learning. I will never stop. What yoga brings to my life is more than a physical practice. It is community. It is connection. It is spirit. It physically enhances my being. It stabilizes my mind, body and spirit. It is amazing.
I have been teaching for almost 15 years and practicing for much longer than that. I have studied with some of the most inspiring leaders from the local community. I have also had the wonderful opportunity of studying with some the great teachers from our national market. I won’t go into a laundry list of the who’s and the what’s. Just know that my life has been enriched at quite a profound level by simply stumbling upon the practice of yoga in the basement of the community center because I was looking for something to fill up the empty space in my life. It has been a continuous practice of persevering and embracing all things yogic with an open mind. Trust the process.
I lost my big girl job due to the pandemic on April 1st, 2020…Happy April Fool’s Day! Accept, it wasn’t a joke. I promised myself from that day forward that I would not fall into an abyss of depression, fear, worry. I chose a positive pandemic. I have spent the last several months finding a groove with freedom. I have taken a bunch of professional development courses. I took off for twenty days in my car with my dog during the first height of the pandemic. I spent lots of time at beaches, at pandemic safe outdoor concerts and BBQs with friends and on my SUP and with my PUP.
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LIFE CHANGES
Spring 2018 was a dark, cold, rainy season. Depression was a thing. Forever feeling stuck, alone, depressed, bored, lonely, sad. Digging deep to seek resolve, I knew in my heart that something needed to give, to loosen, to release, to shift.
I began the magical art of tidying up and letting go of the things in my life that were dragging me down. Twelve years in a townhouse with plenty of nooks and crannies and a yard and a shed to store things, you can only imagine the accumulation of stuff…Weeks and months of sorting, donating, repurposing, finding a new home for all the things that did not serve me any longer.
And when I say Spring 2018 was dark, cold and rainy, I mean it was miserable. It rained for days and days. Torrential down pours. It was bone chilling and damp. Darkness for over a month with no sign of light. And if anyone knows me, they know, I am ruled by the sun. I am a lioness, born during the height of summer when it is hazy, hot, and humid and I absolutely love every second of it. The hotter the better. So, I took a journey south to thaw out and be with my best friend and shop for a new life, a new home, a new job. But the place, time and circumstances did not make my heart sing.
I kept searching and seeking and wondering and dreaming and manifesting. I soon found an amazing little crow’s nest with a view of the ocean in a new town in walking distance to everything you cold ever imagine. A complete dream come true! So I jumped on the chance to move ocean side and change my life.
Offer accepted in less than 24 hours, townhouse listed and sold in less than a week…the magical art of tidying up paid off, things were beginning to shift, and this was only the tip of the iceberg. As I packed, the letting go intensified as my crow’s nest was just that. Smaller. Downsizing. Rightsizing. Whichever way you look at it, I only kept what was necessary and the rest went.
This process solidified a message in my heart and soul. ENOUGH. I have enough. I am enough. I do not need to keep up with the Jones’s. I ultimately want to live a life that is simple, happy and free.
I moved into my happy little crow’s nest. Then the shit hit the fan. Like for reals. The most shit I’ve ever seen in a short amount of time. I got sick. My Dad got sick. I got better. My Dad did not. He passed away. I got sick again and remained sick for the next several months. Miserably sick. Decreased lung capacity. Bronchitis which felt more like walking pneumonia. Brain fog. Work is busier and more of a shit show than ever. Fatigue. Stress. Overwhelm. Fatigue. Stress. Overwhelm. Fatigue. Stress. Overwhelm.
I went to see my doctor and not my PCP, my homeopathic MD, she is always on point. “This is not normal.” I cried. “I can’t take it anymore. I sleep all the time. I can’t move. I scrape myself up to get to work, walk the dog, go to yoga. Even meeting friends, I have to muster up the energy and courage to go, cuz I know I’ll be exhausted for days after just a few hours in a public space.” She runs blood work.
Weeks later, results are in. Bartonella (3.23 points over negative which is zero) My body is not producing cortisol, serotonin or B12. My doctor’s like “Your adrenals are basically fried.” My immune system is fried. My spirit is fried. I’m frikkin’ fried to a crisp. The same week I had to put my cat down. Fatigue. Stress. Overwhelm.
I am on a detoxifying cleanse that has a 99% success rate of killing all diseases that are tick born and more. I pray to a power higher than myself that this is the end of feeling like shit. The end all be all of being fried to a crisp with zero energy or lust for life because I can’t move or think or function or stay awake long enough to enjoy my life.
Then there is work. I resigned. I cried. I can’t take it anymore. 80% of the stress in my life is a result of working for a shit show. Day in and day out. More work, more projects, more to do. No support staff. Fatigue. Stress. Overwhelm. There are only 40 hours in each work week and I can’t get it all done. I work smarter, harder and pack it all in with no end in sight. I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. I literally can’t do it any more. After twenty-plus years as a designer, a photographer, an art director, a creative director, the only thing I truly need is to be supported and have work-life balance. I cannot find these things. I resigned. I cried. I can’t take it anymore. WTF.
The shift and the shit is real, literally catapulting me into a new space in time. FREEDOM. Freedom from the ball and chain that is the rat race. TIME. Free time to explore and be and do and seek and find all the things in my life that make my heart sing out in joy.
There is no time like the present. Life is too short. Each day we have the chance to begin again. Start over. Pull up your boot straps and move on. Take the bull by the horns. All the cliches all day long. But it’s true. Move forward. Do what you love. Be the best version of yourself. Don’t be scared. JUST. DO. IT. The best design project in the world is the one where you get to curate and design you own life.
If It’s Not A HELL’S YEAH…It’s A FUCK NO!!!
